Topics / The recurring argument

Why does the same argument keep coming back?

This example is from my book “Universelle Relationen”. More in the book →

The problem as a graph

Both partners are in relation to each other and to the toothpaste. The argument creates a new relation to the conflict. In me it is active every evening (glowing), in her it is passive (dimmed) — the same object, two graphs.

Step by step

1. Draw the argument as a graph, the way you see it right now — with every entity and relation you can think of.
2. Take the other person's viewpoint: which relations are active for them that are empty or passive for you?
3. Notice which relation is only still active in you. That very entity lights up for you every day.
4. Redirect the energy away from blame toward the relations that carry good feelings — the strong bond that makes your relationship.
5. Tend to your one active relation instead of waiting for the other to change.

An example from my life

Once I left the toothpaste tube open, it dried out, and there was trouble. Years later, standing at the mirror in the evening, I still feel an uneasy feeling, as if we had just argued — and an urgent need to close the tube.

For my partner the same situation is long passive; she does not think about it anymore. Once I understood that the argument is only still active for me, I could stop blaming her and tend to the one entity that lights up in me every evening.

Frequently asked

Keep thinking

Related terms: Relation, The three states: empty, active, passive, The six viewpoints

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